note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
