We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
