I didn't shave. On purpose
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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