My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
