i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
