Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
