omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
