I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
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He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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