Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
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