Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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