Can i not drive my cunt home
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
