So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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