This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
