The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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