Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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