Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
