Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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