ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
