You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Someone came in the potted fern
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
