If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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