Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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