Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
