my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
