what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
