How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
