Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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