seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
