I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
