i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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