Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
