Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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