I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
