hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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