my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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