I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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