At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
