I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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