apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
