I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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