My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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