Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
