Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Randomize
