My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
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I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
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Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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