batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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