we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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