Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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