Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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