If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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