I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
