Who wears a wallet chain?!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
