i love accidental penises.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
