going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she peed on how many people?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
