I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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