You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He? As in you personified your dick?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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