I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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