So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
