Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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