i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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