so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
