can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
